I once heard a podcaster state that marriage is easy. I had to laugh at that and vehemently disagree. Because anyone who’s been married for a while knows this truth: even on the best days, marriage isn’t easy. It’s beautiful, yes—but it’s also hard.
I love my husband deeply. He’s an incredible man, and I’m still amazed that I get to do life with him (and that he puts up with me, too). But a perfect marriage? Not even close. We disagree. We miss each other’s point. We have moments. And yet—today marks 22 years of marriage, and I truly believe it’s because we’ve learned a few things along the way.
The early years were especially tough. Just months after we said “I do,” my husband deployed to Afghanistan for a year. When he returned, we were still figuring out how to be married—and within two months, I was pregnant with our first child. A returning soldier and a hormonal, pregnant wife? You can imagine the tension.
But somewhere along the way, we started to change. And our marriage changed with us.
Here’s what we’ve learned after 22 years:
- Put Christ at the Center
This changed everything for us. When we committed to building our faith together—going to church consistently and centering our marriage on Christ—our perspective shifted. The Word softened us, shaped us, and taught us to love each other beyond selfishness. A God-centered marriage doesn’t mean fewer problems; it means better tools to walk through them together.
2) Take the “D” Word Off the Table
I’ll never forget sitting in our driveway after a rough date early on. We were quiet, frustrated, and tired. Then we made a decision right there: divorce would never be an option.
Saying that, entertaining that, only breeds ground to animosity and the devil to take root into your relationship.
We don’t say it.
We don’t think it.
We don’t entertain it.
Removing that word removed its power—and it forced us to fight for each other instead of against each other.
3) Keep Dating—Yes, Even When You’re Tired
Now I will admit, this one can be hard. Life gets busy. Kids, jobs, schedules—it’s easy to let exhaustion win and the thought of going out makes you think you’ll just fall asleep in your entree. And while we’re not perfect at this, we try to make time at least once a month to just be us. A few hours. A meal. Laughter. It matters more than you think.
4) Remember You Like Each Other, Not Just Love Each Other
This one took us a decade to learn—and I wish we’d learned it sooner. Beyond date nights, get away together. Even briefly. Even close to home. Step out of routine and remember who you are without the noise.
We joke now when people ask if we’re celebrating something: “Yes—we’re celebrating that we still like each other, not just love each other.”
It doesn’t have to be extravagant by any means. It doesn’t even have to be far. Just time away and I am grateful that my husband makes this a priority every year! Sometimes it’s just a weekend to the Black Hills, or even a night here in our hometown.
Last year we took a longer vacation to also celebrate 21 years of marriage since we didn’t do anything for our 20th as our daughter had graduated from high school. So we spent 10 beautiful days on the incredible island of Kauai. We had new adventures including ziplining and learning to surf! We took a helicopter tour throughout the island, snorkeled, and explored the famous Na Pali coast. But the best part was one night at dinner having my love turn to me and say “I would do this all over again. Us. I would choose you every time.”
Not the trip. Us.
That’s why we make the time.
Our relationship. Because we make time to spend together outside of all the crazy life gives. Even when we grate on each others nerves, we work hard to remember that we like each other and love each other.
One day the kids will be grown and gone, building lives of their own. But we’ll still be here. That’s worth investing in.
So to my fellow married friends or couples preparing to be married:
Put Christ at the center.
Take the D word out.
Date each other—long after the wedding.
And never forget that you don’t just love each other… you like each other.
And to my sweet Isaac—
I love you. I like you.
And I’m so grateful for the adventures. 💛
angelaschmeling 